On the way to that inner spiritual harbor where delicate picturesque sailboats bob gently in the softly rising tide, something surprising storms your path.
St. Teresa of Avila and more recently Carolyn Myss have written about the oddities of the mystical path to God. One might think it's simple. Just meditate and get peaceful and try like hell to stay peaceful when the world is erupting all around you. You know as in the Buddhist way; stay calm in the storm ..... Right? Not so easy.
While the intention is to enter that inner calm harbor and sail out into the depths of your consciousness to enter into the
Recently I had an experience that took me quite by surprise. I had been having some pretty intense chest pains which is odd for me since I'm a healthy woman with no heart problems. By nature I'm a calm person generally easy going and never raise my voice or get angry. I wondered why I was having this heart trouble suddenly. Then a co-worker did something unexpected. Well not completely unexpected. It had been a series of behaviors that I had been tolerating while growing increasingly annoyed with this person. Finally, after I had requested that this person be more considerate, the annoying behavior happened again. I was surprised at the person's choice to do something that she knew annoyed me so much. But, there's always a lesson in every challenge. I discovered that I had a temper after all and that actually scared me. I knew that my reaction was my problem. It was the effects of that internalized shrapnel I'd mentioned in an earlier blog.
While I could barely think because of my tempestuous fury, I knew that had to be the case. Why is it when I reach for serenity, I discover madness? Why is it when I attempt to purr like a kitten, I find myself roaring like a tiger? What is it all about?
I thought about Teresa's inner castle and realized that on my way to heaven, through the doorways of each of the rooms in the interior castle, there is a gremlin - or gargoyle - or whatever - a demon, maybe, that attempts to block the way. That was good imagery.
I realized that my early-life frustration from a less than peaceful homelife had been deeply internalized. It had grown into a pernicious beast, a furious tiger of the soul. I had to befriend the beast. I couldn't take it into the harbor with me because it blocked me from entry. Simply you can't bring your baggage on the metaphorical sailboat to heaven.
What do I do with this fury? I called my sister, as I always do when I need to figure things out. She talked to me about "stuff" from our tempestuous childhood and I realized I needed to accept that tiger. I had to do this. This is not an easy path, this path to the divine. I don't know if I've completely succeeded in befriending the tiger or if she had cubs over these many years that will grow into later tigers.
Then, I discovered something more, something really quite awesome. As I sat with my anger, my hurt, my ancient agony, I really came in touch with a magnificent power within. I had somehow separated myself from my "tiger" power when I attempted to block myself from feeling the pain in my heart from that early frustration. Now, just by honoring the tiger's presence I integrated the power of that tiger with the vision of the mystic. It took on a new dimension, a new strength, a power - still raw, maybe - but a power that would not ever catch me by surprise again.
I wondered how many of us have attempted to avoid that inner tiger. How many of us try to tip toe around it, afraid of our own power, afraid of our own broken hearts? Probably, most of us. Yet, if we are to ever become empowered enough to enter our own hearts, that proverbial inner harbor where the divine resides, we must ride in on our tiger power. We cannot avoid our authentic being no matter how unruly and outrageous that tiger may seem at first. Tame it? probably not. That might only separate us further from our forsaken power. But, befriend it? yes.
At least one thing is for sure. You will like yourself a whole lot more when you honor and hold onto your aching heart, still weeping and raging in your hands. And then, hopefully, you may find that you are closer to entering your own most sacred heart.
Oh, and by the way, the chest pains are gone. Maybe the heart was talking to me afterall. I think there's a wisdom in the body that speaks to us when we fail to hear it any other way.
No comments:
Post a Comment