Eternal as the Sky

Your love, oh Lord, is so deep and wide and beautiful. It is like an endless ocean, a vast, unending sky. Your love is as alive, as vibrant as the sun and as mysterious and unknowable as the dark side of the moon. It is the source of our joy, the center of our being, the essence of our lives. You are all that is real. 

Yet, as I set my course to meet you, to encounter you, to embrace you, it seems I find another challenge, another mountain, another raging river yet to cross, baring me from the path to you. Those barriers, those ego traps, feel insurmountable sometimes.

As I reach within myself for the ability to not be tripped up by yet another unkind word or brisk dismissal, I realize the depth of hurt from an ancient wound. Today, I choose to stand strong against the stormy winds gushing from that ancient wound, now awakened, as an ancient dragon who slept contentedly within me, until a brief encounter awakened it, fueling its fiery temper, seething in its attack.

It is not just the dragon’s judgmental tail that flails against my sensitivities, it is the awakening of a long buried memory that while asleep held no conscious power over me, yet also while asleep it governed through the subconscious.

It is my own wiser awareness now that stands in determination and vigilance, aware of the dragon's conduct and control, yet remaining firmly unmoved, undeterred.

The truth is that we are neither failures nor successes. Our authentic essential nature is beyond any description. Our lives are beyond the measure of anything within our realm of estimation. We are all of immeasurable wealth, because we are made of You, our most glorious, most mysterious creator. We are made of You. And, You are beautiful, gentle, loving, giving us our being, clearing toxins from old wounds. I know that without this newest encounter with egoic pain, the old wound would have remained unhealed and, like a leaking faucet, would drip its poison into my soul with lies from a thought seeded years ago.

We are all striving toward You, dear loving, merciful God, stumbling along, blindly and unaware in this great night.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or the days and weeks ahead. I know that this uninvited guest is sweet in the sense that it has taught me to hope and wait in faith as the ancient dragon disappears, leaving more space for You in my heart.

As I remain vigilant, not giving in to it, not believing its lies, not succumbing to its attempt to control and condemn, as I, and we, forbid our light and joy to be dimmed or thwarted by its cruelty, we will overcome. Then, we will see we have climbed yet another mountain, removed another barrier to You, our most loving God. That is my prayer and my hope for all of us, we weary travelers who journey on despite weather, terrain, wealthy or poverty or the opinion of others. There is only one destination in life, and it is to You, only You.

It is our most intentional desire to come to you, to enter into your vast ocean of being, of presence, and encounter You. It is in You that we find our meaning and our being. While we may have only met you fleetingly, we know there is nothing in this dim existence that compares to you. Some of us may have experienced fine traces of your remote presence, and that fine floss of heaven’s fabric is strong enough, fragrant enough to call to us over these many miles and worlds away.

Even in this dark basement of sub-reality, I sense you. Your wise prophets have left remnants of you in their words and writings, like torn shards of an old shirt. I believe them and so I believe in you. For today, that is enough. It is enough to know that You are You and You are there.

I surrender all my dreams and fears into your great abyss of love and endless Being.

I surrender all the lies of that impotent dragon within me. I know he is a liar. From this day and forever, the vigilant one stands at the helm of my seaworthy vessel. This captain of my soul is wise, having sailed these seas these many years. He can see the rock walls, the sunken piers, the long lost wreckage of ancient travels. He knows the waters, winds and holds in his right hand the map of these high seas.

This boat is made of sturdy stuff and while it may hit a sunken barge, You, my God, are able to sustain the ship as he steers around and through another safer waterway. There is no advantage in weeping and suffering damage. There are other ways through this shallow water. Open those ways, Oh Lord, open the waterways, to allow my ship, and all our small ships, to sail safely into the deeper, clear waters of peace and there, in the midst of the sea, where no shore is seen, to find you are there. Into your harbor, my God, I steer my boat, we steer our boats. I know you are in the winds that carry me there, safely, over the dark, unknown waters.

I know you are there. Even if I don't see you, yet, I know you are there.

Amen.